Want-to-feel’s

I’m tired.
Not from everything I have done,
but from the weight of my conscience which reminds me of everything I haven’t.
Yet, I choose to move forward.
To reach a place which I could call the home of my life.
And all the steps, breaths, and tips I took brought me nowhere but here.

I tried.
No matter how much I screamed, I could never find my voice.
No matter how hard I danced, I could never entertain myself.
I was supposed to be bleeding, but I haven’t died yet.

I failed to commit, to resist, to survive,
and so I fell unceremoniously, painlessly, and frictionless.
To the bottom where I chose to rest from the arduous journey towards the mysterious other side of success.
And so, it became just another unfinished chapter I have added to my book.

For some, life presents bountiful of opportunities, choices, and paths to stroll and swift through.
Yet for some, life is limited, constraining, wish-denying, confusing, vain, and the worst of all, meaningless.
There is no what you are supposed to be;
There is no what you have to be;
especially there is no great nature inside which you can’t not let out.
Life is meaningless in a way.

Then why do we try?!
To impart importance on a series of likes and dislikes:
based on what we see and what we don’t;
what we hear and what we don’t;
what we think and what we don’t.
All of that because to feel what we don’t.
And that chasm of desire drive us to the good and the bad.
And the same depths have driven me here to the beginning,
to the past, to the roots from where I stemmed out my want-to-feel’s.

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16 thoughts on “Want-to-feel’s

  1. oh Jay! lovely to see you writing. it is in the small things we get our biggest joy. contentment comes from within not other’s expectation, we can’t ever live up to that. one step one day at a time, words are there, it just needs some coaxing. coffee and chocolate helps….I am told!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha, it is delightful to hear from you too. I see that you still love coffee the same, if not even more?! It’s even easier to fight against the world’s expectation rather fighting against nothing and numbness if you know what I mean.

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  2. I can empathise with this. Anyone who tells you they have achieved their dream, they have what they want and it involves house, life style, some kind of success, is either kidding him/herself or just doesn’t expect very much out of life.

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    1. Thank you. I am starting to feel more and more that life is a journey instead of series of accomplishments that we expect it to be. It might sound too cliché.

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      1. I’ve come to the same conclusion. It means permanent frustration because what you have is never enough, but on the other hand, it means you are always striving for something. The alternative is to vegetate.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. And vegetating is the most annoying. I would take striving towards little goals any day. It’s been so long since we talked, and mostly to my fault, I have been pretty absent from the creative world, so how are you?

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      3. You shouldn’t slip out of the habit of writing. You’ll feel bad and guilty. I keep at it, and although I’m not getting anywhere professionally with it, in a way it has become part of the remedy. I keep writing and hoping that somebody will publish it. I have to. I’ve invested too much of myself into it.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’m sorry to hear that, but it’s inspiring for me that you are still writing. Sometimes I see your posts on Twitter and it would make me happy to know that you are still writing. I also think, it’s just the way it is, more than getting published, it’s just our work that we have to care for. Sure having readers would be nice, but it’s just one thing I guess.

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      5. The thing is, I don’t write as a hobby, a time-filler. We live on a shoe-string. I haven’t had any income for years and I would really like to have the cash to pay for a bathroom or get the kitchen put in. I don’t have a good day job or a handsome retirement cheque. I really need to earn some money out of this lark!

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