Well it’s been 11 days since my last post. I have been procrastinating, for writing, for editing and for publishing. Even now I move around the couch hoping to find a comfortable position, which will draw the words out of me. I am realizing now the comfort I need is for my heart.
I have never felt much of anything. Especially the happiness which always flows through me without a trace. I never cared about it, because truth be told I never understood if there was anything to be concerned about.
I have loving parents and siblings.They did their best in their powers to keep me safe and happy, but they lacked depth in understanding me. Little did they know, protecting isn’t same as caring. Loving isn’t same as understanding.
The most precious form of love according to me is knowing and understanding someone more than you know yourself. Yes it’s possible and I believe I have already done it. It cannot be done without a certain level of trust. Trust to let your guard down and open yourself to be examined by the people whom you choose.
My initial intention was to write about my fears of inconsistency and uselessness, well I’ll do it later, heart wants what it wants. It seems when you open your heart you do it wide, so that all sorts of things fall out of it.
Back to the topic. I started caring that I’m not happy as much as I can, Because I am required to be happy by my loved one who doesn’t wish to see me unhappy even for a moment. I realized then, I’m not trying to stay happy but to pass off those happy moments as soon as I can, so they can be safe as memories. While I wallow in the sadness of my cursed heart, which can’t hold the happiness.
The goal became clear, It’s me who have to start holding on to happiness when I have a chance to do so.It was neither a simple task nor do I understand it fully, yet I am willing to try and change myself for that one person. It’s quite an easy task to be sad, sulk in the presence of no one and curse the world of cruelty and random mess. But like everything else in the world, the world itself has both good and bad. You see what you want to see. I am starting to search for the good things which symbolizes my happiness.
I think about those happy memories, which I have quickly passed off in my past, a habit which surprisingly I have never had before. It’s starting to be useful, now I can feel a glimpse of happiness which always stays inside of me. Even as I write these words, I search my heart for that little piece in the fear of losing it but it is still inside, it keeps me warm and bright when my loved one is not here to do so.
You are never broken, as long as you believe in yourself.
None of my writings are fictional, I write what I go through in my life and I owe the people who read it to help them if they need it. So if you have similar problems like me, about staying happy, I would like to recommend you to follow this simple procedure.
When you are feeling happy, you have to take 30 seconds to remember how happy you are at that moment and most importantly what makes you happy. Then connect that happiness with an object or something very specific. It could be a picture of something or someone you like, a book or even some words. The next step is you have to look at that particular thing when you are free and try to remember how happy you felt at that moment. It’s not only for the times you are feeling sad. You can do it as much as you can. If you continue this practice, you could feel a change in you even in a short amount of time. Be happy and have a good day. 😄
Picture by Tim Marshall.
Check out his and other awesome works at Unsplash.